Funny Quote Favourites 2

Hi there,
heres just a couple more funnies you might enjoy.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
Billy Connolly Quote

So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'
Henry Youngman Quote

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ...He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Billy Connolly Quote

If anybody says their facelift doesn't hurt, they're lying. It was like I'd spent the night with an axe murderer.
Sharon Osbourne Quote

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
Rodney Dangerfield Quote

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, 'Did you miss a step?'' No,' he answers, 'I hit every one of them!'
Milton Berle Quote

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
Bertrand Russell Quote

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Tommy Cooper Quote

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
Emo Phillips Quote

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Ronnie Corbett Quote

If you enjoyed these ones, check out more funny quotes.

Regards
Warrick Sullivan
3rd Draw Down